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[shmadyle.livejournal.com]

Title: "Better Than Kate"
Author: shmadyle
Rating: PG-13ish, I guess
Pairing: Sawyer/Sayid with hints of Jack/Kate(oh the humanity...)
Notes: Post 'Confidence Man', speculation for 'Solitary' (pointless speculation if this interview is to be believed)



“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” – Charles Darwin

I’ve never been ‘good with people’.

Good with women, yeah. That’s simple.

But being good at conversation, and making friends… I’ve never been able to do that easily. I make enemies well enough.

I had a fucked up childhood. I’ve used that as an excuse my entire life, so I suppose there’s no point in stopping now. You try having your father kill your mom and himself, and see how you turn out.

I’m an asshole.

I’m Sawyer.

I’m not an asshole.

I’m not Sawyer.

Confused yet? I know I am.

I like Kate.

I kissed her.

I don’t like Kate.

Kate likes Jack.

Being stranded on an island is supposed to make everything come into focus. It’s supposed to throw into relief everything that you need to change about yourself. You’re supposed to realize what’s really important, and learn more about yourself.

It doesn’t feel like that. I think I’m more confused now than I’ve ever been.

My arm aches. My fingers are throbbing, too. I’m tired, and it seems like I’ve been walking through the jungle forever. The sun hasn’t moved too much though – it’s only been about three hours.

I need to keep going. I need to follow Jack and Kate, and find Sayid. Because if Jack and Kate are right then someone has captured Sayid and might be torturing him right now, and I need to get them to stop.

There’s something I need to ask him.

~*~

”Good and evil, reward and punishment, are the only motives to a rational creature: these are the spur and reins whereby all mankind are set on work, and guided.” – John Locke

I have never been good with people.

I tend to be abrupt, and spending time in the military didn’t help that. I have a temper. The military didn’t help that, either.

I’ve done a lot of things that I regret. I’m reminded of them, often. It makes me withdrawn, and more introverted than I used to be.

Being on the other side of this makes those regrets come back with force. I never knew what it was like to be the one with the light shining in your eyes; the one hurting. I was always the one hurting other people.

Being tortured is supposed to confuse you. It’s supposed to make say things you wouldn’t otherwise, and it’s as much a psychological attack as a physical one.

Somehow, though, everything seems clearer now than it ever has before. It is throwing into relief everything I haven’t wanted to face in myself. I have done this to other people. They hurt just as much, if not more, as I am now.

I think of Sawyer. I almost killed him; I would have, if Jack and Kate hadn’t stopped me. And he didn’t even have the medicine. It would be funny, if it wasn’t so terrible.

Why wouldn’t he tell us that he didn’t have it? We might have believed him. Has he done something so terrible that he wants to suffer? When I tortured him, did he feel as I do now?

Does he almost-want the pain? Does he take it as a penance, as I do?

I wish that I had known to ask him, before I left.

~*~

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain

Kate was in the lead. She was hurrying, and Jack was almost having trouble keeping up.

“Kate.” He said finally, coming to a halt.

“What?” she asked, stopping as well and turning to face him. It was hot, and her face was flushed. Her hair was sticking to her forehead.

“We need to slow down.” He told her, trying to sound reasonable. “We’re pretty far ahead of the others already.”

“We need to hurry!” Kate argued, turning to move on.

“Kate.” Jack repeated, grabbing her elbow. “We can’t do anything on our own. We have to wait for the others to catch up.”

“We don’t know what they’re doing to him,” she said breathlessly, pointing in the direction they were heading for emphasis. “We can’t wait.”

“What’re we gonna do?” Jack asked her. “We have to wait for the others, we don’t have a choice.”

“We can’t just sit here!” she burst out.

“If you hadn’t run ahead of the others we wouldn’t have to!” he pointed out, his voice rising as well.

Kate seemed to sag, and she leaned against the trunk of a nearby tree. “I’m scared that we’ll get there and we’ll be too late. That he’ll already be dead.” She almost-whispered.

“We don’t know what we’re up against.” Jack reminded her gently. “We need the others to help, so there’s no point in running all the way there.”

“Well why can’t the others hurry!” she snapped. “I feel useless just waiting.”

“Sayid can take care of himself, you know.”

Kate didn’t answer, merely rummaged around in her backpack for a bottle of water.

“He’ll be fine.” Jack tried again to reassure her. “He’s tough.”

“Why are you here?” Kate asked him quietly. “You don’t know who has him. He could already be dead, and we could get killed trying to find him.”

“Well why are you here?” he countered.

She didn’t answer, just took another sip of water and stared off into the trees.

Jack continued, angrier now. “You don’t even know why, do you? You always have to be running, don’t you? When I was trapped in that cave you ran to me. Now Sayid’s in trouble and you’re running to him. You were running from something in Australia. When was the last time you stopped running, Kate?”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” She pointed out coldly.

“I’m here because saving Sayid is the right thing to do!” he almost shouted.

“Sawyer was right, wasn’t he? You always do have to be the big goddamned hero.” she sneered at him.

“Well I never thought I’d her you say that, Freckles.” Sawyer said mildly as he emerged from the trees. “I feel positively glowing.” He smirked at the two of them.

“Sawyer.” Jack managed to make the one syllable convey all of his displeasure at seeing the other man. “What are you doing here?”

“Came to help, of course!” he gave the two of them another shit-eating grin before pushing past. “Are you just sitting around, or are we gonna go get Captain Falafel?”

“We have to wait for the others.” Kate told him resignedly, still giving Jack a long look. “Aren’t they with you?”

“Nah.” Sawyer shook his head. “I passed them a while back. You could go back for them, I suppose, and tell them they should get moving.”

“Why are they so slow?” Kate demanded.

“We know the way; they don’t. We shouldn’t have gone ahead like we did.” Jack pointed out.

“He has a point, Freckles.” Sawyer spoke up. “You guys go back and get the others, and I’ll go ahead and… reconnoiter a little.”

Jack shook his head. “Why are you even here, Sawyer?” he asked. “We told you to stay back at the camp; you’re still injured. And what’s your hurry to get there? You won’t be able to do anything on your own.”

“Well I’ve got to hurry, don’t I?” he responded with a grin. “I don’t want to miss the torturing, now do I?”

“You asshole!” Kate burst out.

But Sawyer was already heading further into the jungle, and the other two had little choice but to go back for the others.

~*~
“In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” – Charles Darwin

Sayid looked like shit.

That was the first thing that Sawyer thought when he stepped into the tiny room.

The second thought was: oh my god there’s someone walking down the hallway and I’m going to get caught and killed now.

But the footsteps receded, until it was quiet again. Slowly, Sawyer walked toward the table where Sayid lay. He had to make sure they didn’t make any noise, and he had to get him out of here fast. They must not have left any guards because Sayid wasn’t a threat. But they might be back at any minute.

He didn’t even know who They were. They might be the US Army, for God’s sakes. Maybe Sayid really was a terrorist.

Then Sawyer saw Sayid’s fingers. They looked the same as his own had, a few days ago. That decided it. Terrorist or not, Sayid wasn’t staying where he was.

There wasn’t anything else for it. Carefully, he crept next to the table and put his hand over Sayid’s mouth. If he woke up and cried out…

He didn’t wake up, and Sawyer spotted a syringe lying on a tray nearby. Sayid’s breathing was reassuring; he was alive, at least. But if he was drugged and wouldn’t wake up then Sawyer didn’t know what he was going to do.

Still clamping his hand over Sayid’s mouth, he shook the other man’s shoulder slightly. Sayid’s eyes snapped open, although they took a few seconds to focus. They widened as he looked up into Sawyer’s face.

Sawyer gestured for him to be quiet, and he nodded in understanding. It was the work of moments to release Sayid, but it seemed to take aeons. Their ears strained for the sounds of the guards returning.

Sayid couldn’t stand on his own, and he was forced to lean heavily on Sawyer as they made their escape. Through the door, down the dimly lit hallway… barely breathing for fear of discovery, they finally slipped outside into the glaring sunlight.

There was no one in sight. Not bothering to question their luck, they hurried towards the security of the trees. Both men went as fast as they could, Sayid’s arm around Sawyer’s shoulders so that he could steady himself as they stumbled over the rough terrain.

They had covered a lot of ground before Sayid noticed the way that Sawyer’s arm was wrapped around his waist to hurry him along. There was a bandage on Sawyer’s upper arm, a large one. It had once been white; now it was a drab greeney-grey from hours in the jungle.

“Stop.” Sayid muttered.

Sawyer looked surprised, but let go of him anyway. “We’re pretty far away now. I suppose we can rest for a minute if you need to.” He shrugged, absently stretching and flexing that same arm and shoulder. When he realized what he was doing he stopped, looking almost embarrassed. Sayid had never seen him so ill-at-ease before, not even while being tortured.

“Why are you doing this?” Sayid asked quietly. He hurt all over, and he was unbelievably tired, but this conversation couldn’t wait.

“Why?” Sawyer repeated. He crouched down a few feet away, resting. “Didn’t have anything better to do this afternoon.” He replied with a cocky grin and a bit of his usual humour.

But Sayid saw the same veiled look in Sawyer’s eyes that he had seen before. The look he’d had while telling Jack he wasn’t going to give them the medicine. It was the look he had when he was lying.

“What is the real reason?” Sayid asked him, shutting his eyes against the spinning sensation he was beginning to feel. When he opened his eyes again Sawyer’s face was not four inches from his own.

“I needed to ask you something.” Sawyer whispered.

“Really?” he smiled a little, even though he still felt dizzy. “I wanted to ask you something as well.”

“I wanted to ask you…” Sawyer continued, “Whether you think Kate is pretty.”

“What?” Sayid’s eyes flew open again. “You risked your life to save me so you could ask me that?”

“I kissed her, you know.” Sawyer told him smugly. “It was really good.” He was grinning that damned grin calculated to piss Sayid off.

“You. Asshole.” He ground out.

“What?” Sawyer countered. “You really didn’t think this would be a bonding moment, did you? This isn’t tv, you know.”

Sayid merely closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. Or started to shake his head; it made the dizziness worse and he stopped fairly quickly.

“So what did you want to ask me?” Sawyer taunted. “Something profound, I expect.”

“I wanted to know why you let us torture you even though you didn’t have the medicine.” Sayid muttered.

“It’s too bad I’m not gonna tell you then, isn’t it?” Sawyer responded, pulling away and getting to his feet.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Sayid said, leaning his head back to look at Sawyer. “I know why already.”

“Really?” Sawyer tried to sound amused and uncaring, but was still showing a bit of nervousness.

“You’re just like me.” Sayid smiled. “You wanted to get hurt. You almost enjoyed it. I did some horrible things… what horrible things did you do to get the way you are?”

In an instant Sawyer was back down on the same level as Sayid, his face contorted in anger. “Listen to me.” he hissed. “You are not like me. I’m an asshole, and a traitor, and an all-around jerk. You, on the other hand genuinely mean well. You want to help people, while I only want to help myself. Got it?”

“Got it.” Sayid repeated. He looked at Sawyer, so close to him that he could feel his breath on his face. “Why did you want to know if I thought Kate was pretty?”

“I was curious about your taste in women.” Sawyer responded sarcastically.

“Really?” Sayid raised his eyebrows. “That’s unfortunate, since I don’t have any taste in women to speak of.”

Sawyer shook his head. “Life in the military has made you fairly indiscriminate, is that it?”

“You could say that.” Sayid retorted, staring back at him.

Sawyer seemed to think about that for a moment, and when he opened his mouth to respond Sayid leaned forward slightly, brushing their lips together. The touch was so light it could barely be felt, but Sawyer froze all the same. He didn’t even breathe.

When Sayid pulled back Sawyer drew a shaky breath and leaned in himself this time, pressing their lips more tightly together, their mouths open as their tongues dueled.

When they pulled away again both men were slightly out of breath.

“Kate.” Sawyer muttered.

“Excuse me?” Sayid narrowed his eyes. “I sincerely hope that your meaning was that I kiss better than Kate.”

“No.” Sawyer shook his head. “Well, yes. But Jack and Kate and the others were going after you as well. If we hurry we should be able to meet up with them and we can all head back.”

Sayid nodded in assent. “So I do kiss better that Kate?”

Sawyer smirked at him. “Maybe.”


::end::

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